So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
