I just saw a hot homeless man
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
