Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
