just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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