My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
