You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
