I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
