you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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