went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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