i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
