I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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