You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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