It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize