Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
