She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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