If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
