i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
