I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I AM VODKA MAN
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
