dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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