So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You are the jesus of drinking
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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