she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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