I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
