god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
