How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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