so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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