I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize