You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
