honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
