"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
