I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
this just has baby written all over it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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