I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
