She is in my trunk
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
