Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
