I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize