every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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