It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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