My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
