Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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