apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize