While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
