Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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