Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
