i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
being pregnant is like rehab
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
