The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize