Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i came on her dog
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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