Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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