why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
