Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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