i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
