I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
