Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
