i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is the high leading the old right now
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
