"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
