I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
