"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize