I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
