I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
