I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
