I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my being single is dangerous.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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