As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
