I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
