why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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