I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
