she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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