What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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