Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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